


5.08: Nothing Human - Unacceptable

by lucylow



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Depression, Episode: s05e08 Nothing Human, Gen, Reconciliation, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucylow/pseuds/lucylow
Summary: "Losing you was unacceptable."B'Elanna supposed that those words were supposed to make her feel good. Maybe even loved, needed, and appreciated. Instead they made her feel sick.A hypothetical argument began to play out in her head. All of the things she wished she could scream in Captain Janeway's face, but knew she couldn't.Or:B'Elanna grapples with the knowledge that she was treated by the holographic representation of a mass murderer.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	5.08: Nothing Human - Unacceptable

_"I get the feeling there are still a few demons in the air. Let's hope this does the trick, hmm?"_ Janeway's words were so callus. Only hours out of that harrowing affair, her captain wanted her to _understand_. Put it behind her. _Get over it_. To B'Elanna, that almost felt like asking her to forgive. 

The conversation played over again in her head.  _ "I hope you can understand why I went against your wishes, B'Elanna." _

B'Elanna had no right to forgive - she had the same blood on her hands. It was Ensign Tabor she should apologize to. Say that to the thousands of Bajorans who were senselessly murdered by that  _ p'takh _ \- if one could call that an apology.

She stared blankly at the cool wake of a captain she'd slowly learned to accept - even admire - as the hatred began to bubble over. 

When Janeway made a decision against her recommendation, she usually felt annoyed, angry, and maybe even spiteful. But today was different. Today she felt betrayed.

_ And I thought I'd be able to distract myself for just a little while. _ Now she almost relished the heat that flooded her veins. It was better than the low ache of self-loathing and the dirtiness she couldn't seem to wash off. She wished Janeway was feeling the same pain and guilt, but it seemed the unflappable woman had gotten through without a hint of remorse.

_ "Losing you was unacceptable." _

B'Elanna supposed that those words were supposed to make her feel good. Maybe even loved, needed, and appreciated. Instead they made her feel sick.

How was she supposed to face Tabor knowing that she benefited from his family's suffering? How was she supposed to face any of the Maquis? Her being alive went against everything they stood for. 

And once, they stood for that together. Sure, she went to the Maquis looking for a fight. Angry at Starfleet, the Federation, and the Universe. 

She told herself it was because she'd grown up in an outer colony too. Plus, was a half-Klingon, half-Human hybrid -  _ hybrid, _ like she was some sort of exotic plant, not a person. She knew the feeling of being a less important life than everyone else. 

Eventually, she wasn't looking for a fight so much as she was fighting for her family. The first people to accept her, appreciate her skills, and make her feel needed. It nearly destroyed her when she'd learned they'd all died without her.

A hypothetical argument began to play out in her head. All of the things she wished she could scream in Captain Janeway's face, but knew she couldn't. 

_ "It's not just the program. It's not just the fact it's a walking, talking, image of something I deeply hate. It's the blood of thousands of bajorans." _ Her initial resistance based on Crell Moset being Cardassian probably didn't help matters. It made her denial seem more about racism than about that particular Cardassian and his war crimes.

_ "All medical knowledge is built on the suffering of something. Would you have me delete every part of the medical database with knowledge gained by experiments on animals and people?" _ She knew this argument. She'd had plenty of time to debate them with herself while she'd stared at the sickbay ceiling. 

_ "Don't try to drag me down that slippery slope, Captain. The occupation ended less than 10 years ago. This wound is fresh. This atrocity was preventable. Did you just forget that he intentionally infected a whole village of Bajorans? He dissected the living. He could have tested his treatments on those already infected and performed autopsies on those already dead. He enjoyed inflicting pain and mass murder." _ Contrary to popular belief, she wasn't just a raging ball of hormones and temper. Her anger came with justifications.

She barely registered the new wave of tears stinging her eyes and the nausea that seemed to get worse with every second. 

B'Elanna's mind raced on.  _ "Why do you get to make sacrifices for your morals - sacrifices that are the reason we're still in this Kaless-forsaken quadrant - but I can't?" _ Examples came pouring out of her memories: destroying the Caretaker's array, leaving the technologically superior pleasure obsessed planet. 

Even her crazy plan to remain behind in the Void would have affected them all. Even though she had full confidence in Chakotay, they'd be a crew without their Captain.

_ "And this would be a crew without their Chief Engineer," _ Janeway would have said.

_ "It's not the same!" _

_ "Isn't it? Is your life less important to this crew's survival than mine? I made a calculated decision for the good of this crew."  _

_ Maybe a captain has to compartmentalize in order to make the impossible decisions that come with the four pips.  _ B'Elanna's mind began to question, without her permission. _ Maybe the callus, flippant remarks are how she copes.  _ She shook herself. _ No. No, no, no. She's wrong. She had no right. _

B'Elanna dragged herself from her position on the couch to a kneel in front of the toilet as her nausea turned to regurgitation of the meager contents of her stomach - robust Klingon physiology be damned. Did her imaginary Janeway just win? Did she just justify her continued existence? That was almost a scarier thought.

Some part of her was surprised that she hadn't actually taken her rage to the real Janeway. She could admit to herself that her impulse control and anger management skills were unreliable at best. Chakotay or Tuvok would want to take this as evidence of her improvement, but B'Elanna knew the real reason she wasn't tearing into Janeway right then. She was too damn tired. 

Her tears left her heavy, hollow, and numb. Somehow, there was still hatred left. But now the hatred was for herself - both for still being alive and almost understanding why.


End file.
